I got all cross at the cinema and wrote a list of reasons why fuck Prometheus. There’s a whole bunch of stuff about the film betraying the original material that I won’t go into because I’ve never been that much of a canon fanboy - the things that irritated me about the film were just basic structure/script stuff that you don’t expect to be so wrong in such an otherwise polished film.
As you might probably expect, it contains some very large and specific spoilers.
(I will also probably wake up tomorrow morning when I’m not incandescent with rage and delete it. )
Fuck the bullshit reveal that Theron is Pearce’s daughter. Who gives a fuck about Theron at this point in the movie? Her importance to the plot - already murky at best - is lost as soon as Pearce is revealed. Her delivery of the line is so overblown that we’re clearly supposed to turn to each other in our seats and say “Well! I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!” whereas what actually happens is EVERYBODY LAUGHS BECAUSE WHO CARES?
Fuck the fact that Theron is even in this movie at all. She’s a super talented actress who deserves better than to be grist to a rolling CGI spaceship. (Honestly, what does she even do that’s so bad she deserves to be squished like that? Did I miss something? She’s at best the second worst of the human baddies. The worst of them dies from, as far as I can tell, a nasty fall and a bit of a bump on the head.
Fuck the bit after they wake up from hypersleep and Theron’s all “WHY DON’T YOU STEP INTO MY OFFICE WHERE I KEEP ALL THE FILM’S EXPOSITION. IT’S OVER THERE WITH THE MEDICAL MACHINE AND THE ESCAPE CAPSULE’”
Fuck the 25 minutes of screen time given over to the painfully signposted pregnancy and the subsequent caesarian. Literally none of it needed to happen, it gets us absolutely nowhere and means NOTHING. It’s exploitative, body horror bullshit in a series of films that have already done so much and so awesomely in this area. Why top it with something that is neither horrifying or important to the plot?
Fuck the fact that because of the surgery scene, the heroine has to spend the rest of the film going “Oooh me belly” every 2 minutes. She does this so much that it almost seems that it’s going to be important and the camera is going to dolly up to someone significantly and they’re going to say “TWINS!” But no. She’s just there making an ouchey face for an hour.
Fuck the bit at the start of the third act where Elba and Rapace meet up in a corridor and have a conversation that basically goes:
Hi. I’m going to do wronged-woman things because I am a wronged-woman. What are you going to do, black person?
Oh, yeah daddio, I’m going do noble black person things cos I’m a noble black person.
It seems like we’re on the same team then, for some reason?
Yep. Looks that way.
Should we, you know, team up?
No, fuck all that. I’ll need to be on the bridge for the end when we deus the fuck out of this machina.
Well. OK then. That sounds fun. Good luck. B’bye
Fuck the score that within seconds of the film starting had inexplicably irritated me. Maybe because it, and the starting visuals of the film are so Lord Of The Rings-ey, maybe just because *there was one*. Either way, it was just wrong.
Fuck the fact that Guy Pearce ruins another movie with an accent.
Fuck that despite being able to roll a spaceship across a planet in 3D, they couldn’t take the time to make Guy Pearce look like anything other than a great big dude in a bald wig.
Actually, fuck the fact that Guy Pearce was even chosen for the part of a wibbly old man when that part could comfortably have been played by OH I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE A WIBBLY OLD MAN? What the fuck is the blind spot with people not realising that everyone, ever, in the history of film and theatre has always looked shit when they’re aged by make up? This is something that is so well known that the one time that it was *almost* not shit - The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - they nominated the cunt for 13 Oscars.
Did you hear that? 13 Oscar nominations for a film that not only HAD NO PLOT but also HAD NO PLOT BACKWARDS. Why? Because they almost managed to make Brad Pitt look like what he is: A great big dude with a bald wig.
Sigh. That’s all I have.